Over the last few days, I've been having panic attacks: in magnitude from the kind nobody notices as a panic attack and instead read as awkward aloofness to full-blown debilitating ones. They've pretty much kept me from interacting with my friends. Then I began reflecting on exactly *how often* my desire to spend time with people I like who reside outside my 4 walls. Even today, when my obligations were limited and my desire to see people legitimately important to me was high, I still sat in my hotel room, literally paralyzed from acting, really even leaving (as a reference point: no Chuckbox today bc I didn't leave because, well, people.
And then when it happens, I get depressed and totally down on myself as I project all the reasons why I should be able to, personally, sack up. The only reason I did ANYTHING at all was to spend a Hot Minute with my man Steve, who despite living 28 miles from each other, I never see...And it's totally on me.
It's even worse because I feel like a total hypocrite when I tell *other* people to not let Anxiety beat them when it beats me relentlessly while calling me Toby. I want to shout "I AM KUNTA KINTE" but honestly most days, I'm too deflated to do anything.
I say this because tomorrow, I probably *should* go to the Cal: lots of friends I literally never see and I told fools I'd go. But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, we're moving and I have more packing to do, the time it'll take is logic preventative, etc. But I also know that I ALWAYS find an excuse- I have a really good friend I've stood upon going out to chill over a dozen times in the last 2 years (this was magnified when I stopped *having* to be around people at SF, I just stopped *doing* that, which was awesome, but meant that I just never had to, so I just never did). And now, driving an hour, feeling anxious the whole way, makes me want to turn around and go home, which I did three times last year...I want to go...
Which is why I'm making a commitment to myself and my sanity: *at least* once a week, I need to do something with my friends- might be as small as a worship to the memory of Sonny Bono to going out of town on a trip with friends I don't see as often as I should- reference point, I saw two friends from my hometown I never see while doing consulting work in Phoenix- and that's some bullshit that I want to end. But I need people to keep me accountable because otherwise, today happens. Expect to be told to fuck yourself in the heat of battle, but all the help I can get...
I hope someone is out there, feels this way and this helped. What I really hope is someday, I can post this without a fear of what people will think.
We need to normalize anxiety and depression.
No comments:
Post a Comment