The Battle with Anxiety or Get Out (of the house)

Over the last few days, I've been having panic attacks: in magnitude from the kind nobody notices as a panic attack and instead read as awkward aloofness to full-blown debilitating ones. They've pretty much kept me from interacting with my friends. Then I began reflecting on exactly *how often* my desire to spend time with people I like who reside outside my 4 walls. Even today, when my obligations were limited and my desire to see people legitimately important to me was high, I still sat in my hotel room, literally paralyzed from acting, really even leaving (as a reference point: no Chuckbox today bc I didn't leave because, well, people.

And then when it happens, I get depressed and totally down on myself as I project all the reasons why I should be able to, personally, sack up. The only reason I did ANYTHING at all was to spend a Hot Minute with my man Steve, who despite living 28 miles from each other, I never see...And it's totally on me.

It's even worse because I feel like a total hypocrite when I tell *other* people to not let Anxiety beat them when it beats me relentlessly while calling me Toby. I want to shout "I AM KUNTA KINTE" but honestly most days, I'm too deflated to do anything.

I say this because tomorrow, I probably *should* go to the Cal: lots of friends I literally never see and I told fools I'd go. But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, we're moving and I have more packing to do, the time it'll take is logic preventative, etc. But I also know that I ALWAYS find an excuse- I have a really good friend I've stood upon going out to chill over a dozen times in the last 2 years (this was magnified when I stopped *having* to be around people at SF, I just stopped *doing* that, which was awesome, but meant that I just never had to, so I just never did). And now, driving an hour, feeling anxious the whole way, makes me want to turn around and go home, which I did three times last year...I want to go...

Which is why I'm making a commitment to myself and my sanity: *at least* once a week, I need to do something with my friends- might be as small as a worship to the memory of Sonny Bono to going out of town on a trip with friends I don't see as often as I should- reference point, I saw two friends from my hometown I never see while doing consulting work in Phoenix- and that's some bullshit that I want to end. But I need people to keep me accountable because otherwise, today happens. Expect to be told to fuck yourself in the heat of battle, but all the help I can get...

I hope someone is out there, feels this way and this helped. What I really hope is someday, I can post this without a fear of what people will think.

We need to normalize anxiety and depression.

The Resolution and The Soundtrack...

Soooooo....I made a New Years resolution, that I would make an attempt to either run or write every day- as I know doing either of these things makes me feel better, mentally and well as physically. Running literally involves putting on shoes and leaving, and writing requires neither of those, so the ability to do one or the other is really easy, and the choice to do neither will be mine alone. I know I will not be able to do it every day, but the goal is to get in the habit of doing one or the other, and on days where I can motivate myself, I'll try to do both. Like today. But it's January 1, so we should probably hold off on the celebratory handjobs for a few days...

...so I'm attempting to create a  musical soundtrack of my life. It started pretty innocently- I was looking through old assignments I gave out when I was a teacher, and one of the assignments that worked out better in my head than in real life was having students create a musical soundtrack of their lives. There were exceptions, obviously, but as a standard, they were pretty fucking bad. When I was reading them, I was actually stunned at not just how terrible their taste in music was (and I did tell them to stay the hell off my lawn, so there's that), bit also how incomplete their assignments were- it was like they hadn't put in the effort to get the assignment done.

I now understand the problem- it's a way, way harder assignment than I 1) wanted them to do and 2) than I ever thought it might be. I know this because I decided to try the assignment myself. To be fair, my assignment, although I did make them *explain* why songs they chose mattered, I am not planning on doing that, due to the emotional weight some of the music would take on me for having to relive through explanation, as well as the sheer length of what I imagine to be a massive amount of very diverse music. Their assignment had either a time limit or a song limit, depending on the year assigned, and I'm old as fuck, so I don't adhere to the time constraints of youth.

And this is going to be a process...I'm only in the classic soul to 80's alternative phase (into my freshman year of high school) and I have eliminated over 300 songs, have kind of isolated down to a few key artists and or songs from that period, and I'm hoping to be able to lock down some of the songs, with the ultimate goal to put it on Spotify, which is something to do with this 6 months free I have done literally nothing with....

Let's see how this goes...

cops can be worse than criminals- study of empirics

so this happened.... after grocery shopping, i come out to my car and start to load the vehicle and someone behind me says something. when i turn around and notice they have a *fucking gun* pointed at me. the guy looks at me and says "you ain't him, you old," turns around and leaves....someone in an adjacent parking lot is shot and taken to the hospital, and the police want me to talk to them about what i saw. I'm not feelin a cop and my helping seems dangerous, so i tell them i'd like to not be involved, i didn't see what happened at the shooting, there was no way to prove the person who held me at gunpoint, etc, assuming this would be sufficient...The officer then tells me that i'm "the witness to a crime" and that if they need to they can "get a material witness warrant" and can hold me until i offer the information they need...so, despite me telling them i didn't know what the man looked like, and that i was pre-occupied with the Sig P226S he had in his hand and having my life flash before my eyes, i needed to offer this man some information. Criminality flipped in front of me: officers strong-arming information from me and being more intimidating than the "criminal" who actually made my life flash before my eyes with his loaded 9MM. i'm not tryin to be collateral damage. it made it seem like the police cared more about possibly catching this person, and if that meant putting my life at risk to do so, then well that's just what it takes. i felt more in danger in my prolonged conversation with police, in which i was accused of "bangin" of "aiding and abetting" and that "if I didn't want to help, the DA would assume i was hiding him and end up being charged"- scare tactics that would probably have broken me at other times of my life. I described the gun, pointed out the height of the guy and what kind of kicks he was wearing, and told them if they were planning on holding me for information i didn't have, that I needed to call the ACLU, the NAACP and my local attorney before we went any further, which i'm sure is why i'm at home now and not still still sitting in the front of a police car (you think you're gettin me in the back of one of these? fuckouttahere) or sitting in a jail cell, for my own protection. Interesting that at the end of the day, my interaction with the officers as they did what was self described as SOP ended up causing me more anxiety and stress than having a weapon pulled on me and only upon his reflection that i was too old to be who he was looking for, was I not shot and from where he was, killed.

Really? Really? Come on man...

To the person that felt the need to use my birthday wish as your forum to dispute the hatred and racism I personally and physically experience. 

Thank you. 

Thank you of reminding me of my place. Thank you for reminding me why I work hard to transform hearts and minds with my words and my deeds. Thank you of reminding me that, despite how far we have come, the distance traveled isn't comparable to the distance we have to travel. Thank you for reminding me that empathy is an applied skill, and whereas I may try my best to apply it graciously and across the board, that people are allowed to apply it as they choose. Thank you for reminding me that even in the relatively safe of my friends, that the ability to go through my day, even merely reading my own FB wall, can't guarantee me the ability to have my experiences question. Thank you for reminding me that for every person that can empathize with the African American experience, there's three against it and six that don't act because they believe the three of you over us. 

Thank you for reminding me the struggle against White Supremacy is a 24-7 job, and you don't get your birthday off. 

Yours in Blackness,

Doug

Deez Nuts to you...

The Debate summarized in way under 500 words...

In a nutshell...

Economy flowed Clinton, except for the Rust Belt people who are sold on NAFTA/Trade and the shell of what the upper midwest used to be. 

Justice flowed Clinton, except for those who believe that the world is less safe than it was, and that police officers should get the benefit of the doubt in order to do their jobs and keep America safe. 

Security flowed Clinton, except for those people who think that the world, and America, in on the verge of being awash in terror, and want to be able to make sure they're safe when they go to the mall, as to not be stabbed or killed. 

Temperament flowed Clinton, except for those who see Trump's ability to bully not just her but the moderator as a sign of strength for him and weakness for both of them (a woman and a black man).

So HRC won in all the areas she wanted to win, and Trump moved the needle in all the areas he needed to win. He'll pick up votes in OH and PA, where he needs to win to be able to win the presidency. He'll pick up suburban whites who believe that the world is becoming more racialized and thus less safe (we remember safe is a code word for white from our coded language dictionary, right?). He'll pick up some undecided who will see HRC as too weak on crime/terror because she's bound by that damn Bill of Rights. 

Winner. In real time-HRC. In what matters, accessing undecideds, Trump. Not sure HRC won any votes she didn't already have, and I'm sure Trump moved the needle on trade and crime, despite my finding his claims abhorrent for the most part.

We deserve this. 

The conversation on race we're not having

We're having the wrong racial conversation in America. Or a better phrasing, we're doing quite well at not having the racial conversations we need to have.

Kaepernick has been at the apex of the news for his decision to quietly protest against the Star Spangled Banner by sitting. His argument is that there is disparate treatment for Black and Brown people in this country, and he can't stand for an unjust system. But for some reason, people have an inability to show empathy for black and brown people, to step into their shoes for just a minute, look through their eyes and try to align with their pain. Why is it hard for people to show empathy? There's a ton of reasons I'd imagine, but I think the framing of the discussion is key...

...in the last week, I have read articles with regard to politicians and executives that have taken what i think are racially abhorrent stances. Governor of Maine, after calling all drug dealers Shifty and D-Money and accusing them of impregnating white women on their way home (yes, he got to say that and really nobody said shit), has made the claim that blacks and hispanics are The Enemy, and that you shoot and kill The Enemy...This is followed up by Rudy Giuliani telling people that it's not cops they should fear, but instead they should fear black children, and it's the fault of black parents for not instilling more discipline in their kids. We end our Racism Trifeca with the onslaught of NFL football executives who have come out, anonymously of course, to say some of the most hate-filled things- from (simply) being called a traitor to being compared to murderer Rae Carruth- they believe he'll be cut and never play in the NFL again. For sitting during the National Anthem.

But meanwhile, a Governor can, in the process of over-exaggerating the number of black and brown people convicted for durg offenses (He says "Binder 90% full of black and hispanics"- numbers more like 15%) essentially give a shoot to kill order on black and brown kids. Giuliani telling people it's black parents faults simultaneously makes people look down on black people collectively, the kids, because they need to be feared, and the adults, who don't have the moral code to enforce respectability. The NFL execs, behind a cloak of secrecy, help spread anti-blackness against not just Kaepernick, but ends up projecting into other facets- if the owners can hate him, then so can I.

Politicians propagate fear through the society about black and brown people. Police officers respond to the people and their fear by being particularly mindful (profiling) black and brown people. Black and brown people complain to deaf ears. Which is why Kaepernick acted.

The irony is most won't see the connection.

Open Letter to Colin Kaepernick

Colin,

You need to know there are people out here in your corner. I'm one of them. I'm not a 49er fan, but I am a fan of social justice, and for speaking truth to power. The stance you're taking by being seated is spurring a conversation that needs to happen, and would not have happened but for this catalyst.

I'm sure you recognized there would be people that would be angry at your decision, that people would be angry with the way you chose to stand up for your beliefs. But here's the thing, protest will always make someone unhappy, and it's usually the members of the oppressor class. It's not your job to make sure people are happy by the method you chose. The entire idea of the "wrong method" pre-supposes that someone who is not in your position can tell you how to protest. Why is that OK? What way would be the best to protest? What way could you have protested that would have been as effective as a conversational catalyst and would have not made people mad? There's literally mounds of proof that most people don't have the vocabulary and nuance to be involved in conversations about race without getting defensive or angry.

I  love that people think that your making money has anything to do with anything. It's as if they think that being rich solves the racism of being black. It doesn't. It just changes the expectations, and the demand for respectability politics is mind numbing. It's like they say "you got your money nigger, now shut the hell up." Also, the double standard of this claim displays some degree of tone-deafness that's hard to understand. Poor people have been shouting from the rooftops about disparate treatment from police officers for as long as there have been poor people, police officers and rooftops and nobody ever seems to hear them- it's as if despite there being a critical mass of people saying this- that the cognitive dissonance of the listener is such that nobody hears the need for change. But the minute someone with access to a megaphone does it, people complain of the method. This is also blurred in with the "well what's he doing next to solve the problem? It's as if they don't realize you're making a collective call to action- that it would be impossible for you to solve the problem alone, and that all of us need to make an effort, which means people have to do more than ask you what you're doing next.

If all you did was start the conversation, we're good.

Thank you for your words. Thank you for your action. Thank you for your strength.

DD